Maddy's Mom

We are adopting!!!

2009-11-03T17:38:00.000-08:00

And I can say that I finally FEEL good about it.

We put in our papers last year and we were approved in September.

We attended the required adoption classes and LOVED them!

Adoption is SO amazing. Truly.

But it scared me last year...

too many unknowns,

too many questions.

There are some things I realized over the last year.

I needed to KNOW that I had tried everything I needed to with our

infertility treatments.

I needed to see the PERFECT IUI

NOT work.

I needed to be ready to accept

God's will in my life.

I am now READY to

Adopt.

I am EXCITED!

ADOPTION

It is scary,

it is intrusive,

it takes you out of your comfort zone,

is NOT easy,

but it is amazing,

it is a miracle,

and it is a method that God created to

HELP both families involved.

BRING IT ON!!!

BTW- check out our adoption blog at www.kendallandkatyadopt.blogspot.com

Introducing....

2009-09-14T15:46:00.000-07:00

my best friends/worst enemy....

metformin and his cohort femara.

They are going to get me pregnant.

That is why they are my best friends.

Unfortunately they come with nasty side effects.

That is why they are my worst enemy.

The funny part...

The Femara doesn't want you to "plan to become pregnant".

Patience

2009-08-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

That is my new theme for this month. It seems to be what I need to learn from this whole experience. In the past when I ask my husband for a priesthood blessing I always receive the counsel to have patience and find the positive. I have heard this for 3 years now and I have decided that instead of being frustrated with those words,( like I have been in the past) I decided to try and learn more about patience.

The Lord must have known that I would decide to actual heed his counsel this time because I have had many moments where I have heard exactly what I needed. For example, a few Tuesdays ago for mutual ( I am the Beehive advisor) we had an EFY conference. The speaker was a young mother of 5 children, the youngest two being two year old twin boys. She has her hands full. A year ago she lost her husband to cancer. She talked about her struggles and how she found strength in the scriptures. She answered my prayers. First of all I found once again that my trials are not as great as others. I could look at the positive of my experience. I still had my best friend next to me living and breathing. What a HUGE blessing. I can do infertility if it means my husband is around.

She also mentioned a scripture that I LOVE!!!

Mosiah 24:14-16

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the Lord cam unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage.

I love that! I decided to look up patience in the index and I found more beautiful and hopeful scriptures.

I am learning more and growing closer to the Lord through this trial. I will have patience and courage. For on the morrow I will be delivered!

Next month we get to start IUI process, with femara, metformin, blood work and ultrasounds! He had me start the metfromin now, in the middle of this cycle. Hopefully no nasty side effects! I still have hope that maybe I will be pregnant this cycle and we won't have to do the IUI. It is all in the Lord's hands and I will have patience.

Nervous

2009-06-22T09:08:00.002-07:00

I am nervous!!!

I have finished the required 3 months of birth control and now it is time to start "trying" again. I feel much better about my body and it being ready. I feel like I have tried to be healthy and do the right things for my body during these last 3 months. I feel like I have "done my part".

Now comes the faith part as the Lord does his. I am scared that it will be his plan for more waiting. Can I handle that?

I really don't want to feel that never ending disappointment at the end of every month. It is for that reason that I REALLY enjoyed the birth control, there was nothing to hope for therefore no disappointment. That and it made my boobs bigger and periods lighter and cramp free!! LOVED that!

So here we go for a month that we hope and pray ends in a POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST!!

Truly Blessed

2009-05-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

I am truly blessed. As we celebrated Mother's Day on Sunday I realized how blessed I am to have a child. I know Mother's day is very difficult for infertile women. That is the day for lessons on what a blessing motherhood is, and how wonderful it is to bear and rear children. As I listened I realized that our teacher was inspired to talk about how we can all be mothers, even if we can't or don't have children. She was very aware that not everyone can be mothers and the lesson was carefully laid out.

I am so thankful this mother's day that I can be a mother. If only to one child. She is my life. Infertility has made me appreciate the miracle that she is. Without infertility I would have taken her for granted. I wouldn't have realized what a miracle motherhood is.

I also wouldn't have realized the strength of women who deal with infertility. Women who deal with infertility are amazing. They are the ones that deal with the emotional heartbreak nearly every month, the ones who have to put their bodies through excruciating procedures with no guarantee that it will work, who pump their bodies full of medicine that "could help" but have nasty side effects. Women who put their families information out there to be inspected and approved by caseworkers and browsed through by birthmothers hoping to place their baby, they are the ones who go through failed pregnancies and failed adoptions. They are the ones who give up almost all privacy in hopes of growing their families with a baby. What amazing and strong women we are! The Lord made us for this. He knew we could handle this when even we ourselves aren't sure we can take much more. He blesses us with wonderful husbands, he sends the right information and people when we need them most. He knows what He is doing and everything will be alright. Because He KNOWS exactly what we need and when we need it.

We will get our children the way the Lord has planned.

Who better to have in control?

Loving the break

2009-04-29T10:19:00.000-07:00

In my previous posts I mentioned how undecided I was about trying birth control for 3 months. Well to all those who may be considering this option, my advice is to do it! I am LOVING the break. I am not obsessing over babies. It is like I know there is no chance for 3 months and so my mind has taken a vacation. I am also working hard at being healthy and getting my body ready to be a baby home. I think the best thing is my brain is getting healthy again. I hope that when it is time to "try" again my brain is still on vacation. My prayers are with all of you infertile sisters out there, hoping you get what your heart desires!

Blessing

2009-04-06T08:30:00.001-07:00

Last Sunday I asked my dad to give me a blessing. Lately all the blessings I have been given have said "have patience, Heavenly Father knows what you are going through and is proud of you." I am not saying these are bad things to be blessed with but I have a hard time with the patience thing. To me it says " you are in for the long haul and it will be YEARS before you will be blessed with another baby". Needless to say it can be a little discouraging.

The blessing I was given on Sunday was different. I was told that there are more babies in heaven meant for our family. My body will be blessed and we will have more children. Maybe one or maybe more but I am encouraged again. I was also told that I didn't need to be sad, that I could be happy. I think that is what I am supposed to learn right now. How to be happy no matter what we are going through.

My hubby called the other day and told me to listen to a BYU devotional by Carol Wilkinson titled " Becoming and Overcoming". AWESOME talk. Basically she said that everyone will have trials, some short and some long. We need to learn to be happy in our trials and learn what the Lord is trying to teach us. I recommend it to anyone.

Confusion

2009-03-30T08:04:00.001-07:00

It has become time to start the birth control and I am having mixed emotions. I don't want to quit trying to get pregnant but this birth control may help me get pregnant. What to do? I am stuck between taking three months off and hopefully getting pregnant or I waste three months and still don't get pregnant at the end.

To top it off I just found out a friend of mine is pregnant after deciding two weeks ago that she wanted another baby. WHAT?!! It took her two weeks! That kills me that people can get pregnant so easily. I am happy for her but gosh it hurts.

I had a tearful night trying to decide what to do with the birth control. Sometimes I just want to scream at the injustice of it all. I hate that I have to make these decisions. I hate feeling like I am not doing all that I can and it stresses me out wondering if there is something more I could be doing. My husband reminds me that we felt good about our decision and now I am letting the doubt creep in.

I have got to find something to distract me. Something to keep my mind off of trying to conceive. Any ideas?

She came

2009-03-26T07:54:00.001-07:00

Well another month bites the dust. This has been one of the less emotional and difficult endings to another failed month. The month before we did an IUI and I took prometrium to help things along. When I tested negative I thought I would seriously die. I was so depressed it scared me. I think the prometrium made it worse. I quit taking it and felt much better.

Well we have a new plan for the next few months. It may take a few of you by surprise...we are going to prevent! Yes, that is the plan. Birth control for three months to give my ovaries a much needed break. Since there is no reason for my infertility the doctor thought by giving my ovaries a break it will give them the boost they need. All that clomid that I have taken over the last year has made my ovaries work extra hard and they are going on a 3 month holiday. I am looking forward to this holiday as well. I won't have to wonder if there is going to be a positive after every month. This will be a much needed emotional vacation.

I am going to take the next three months to get in shape. My husband is probably laughing at that statement because I hate exercising. But I am going to try. I am going to focus on my wonderful little girl and try to be the best mom I can be. I feel guilty sometimes that I have this beautiful daughter and I am so focused on adding another baby to the family it consumes me more than it should.

So here's to a wonderful holiday! I am going to forget that I am infertile for three months.

Introduction

2009-03-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

This is mostly going to be my public journal about infertility because that seems to be the thing consuming my life at the moment. I really admire those women that can write their feelings and share them with the world and let others who are dealing with the same trials read along.

Our infertility journey started about 3 years ago. We had already been blessed with one beautiful child. We didn't even have to try for her! What the heck right? When that little angel was 20 months old we thought "well why not try for a second". Well for six months we tried for a second baby and finally achieved success, or what we thought was success. We carried that baby for 11 weeks before we went in for our first appointment and found no heartbeat.

I was so devastated. That six months we had tried for that baby I thought were the hardest ever because you see I have never had to try for a baby. Then to lose that baby after a very difficult pregnancy was so hard.

When we went in for the ultrasound I remember praying that the baby would be okay. Well as the ultrasound proceeded I realized that things were not okay. Very far from okay. I changed my prayer to "let me be okay". I remember the technician saying he was sorry and leaving so I could change. While I was changing the other technician was telling my husband that "these things just happen". I am thinking " I never thought this would happen to us".

I called my mom who was watching our daughter just sobbing " our baby is dead." She cried with me and told me she could keep Maddy for a while. As my husband and I talked we realized that Heavenly Father had a plan. He had blessed us that we never heard that heartbeat. I consider this a blessing because I know my heart couldn't have handled hearing a heart beat one week and nothing the next. Heavenly Father knows me and loves me and filled me with the most peaceful feeling. Everything would be okay.

We had the D&C the next day and we were told to wait a month before trying to get pregnant again. I thought we would get pregnant in no time. I mean Heavenly Father wouldn't make us wait after something so difficult. Boy was I wrong. Heavenly Father has an important lesson for us to learn through infertility. That was over two years ago and here we are today. Infertile.